I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be a very odd number.

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I spilled spot remover on my dog...now he's gone.

I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's sure hard to fold.

Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them duke it out.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

Sponges grow in the ocean ... that kills me. I wonder how much deeper the oceans would be if that didn't happen.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

My girlfriend asked me if I slept well. I said no, I made a couple mistakes.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say,' Have you got anything I'd like?' Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, ' Extra medium.'

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it....

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one-it wasn't doing what I was doing.