1. What are you thinking about ?
2. Do you love me ?
3. Do I look fat ?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me ?
5. What would you do if I died ?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1 : What are you thinking about ?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following :

a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you !")

Question # 2 : Do you love me ?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include :

a. Oh Yeah, shit loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes ?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter ?
e. Who, me ?

Question # 3 : Do I look fat ?

The correct answer is an emphatic : "Of course not !" Among the incorrect answers are :

a. Compared to what ?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4 : Do you think she's prettier than me ?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic : "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include :

a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5 : What would you do if I died ?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy an SUV and a Boat") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines :

WOMAN : Would you get married again ?
MAN : Definitely not !
WOMAN : Why not? Don't you like being married ?
MAN : Eh...Of course I do.
WOMAN : Then why wouldn't you remarry ?
MAN : Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN : You would? (With a hurtful look on her face.) Would you sleep with her in our bed ?
MAN : Where else would we sleep ?
WOMAN : Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her ?
MAN : That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN : And would you let her use my golf clubs ?
MAN : She can't use them; she's left-handed
WOMAN : - - - silence - - -
MAN : Oh shit!

Sent in by SMcNair