There is such a demand for these books that I know many of you are itching to jump on this trend and write your own Dummy books.  After all, there are many topics yet to be covered.  (Home Brain Surgery for Dummies, The Snooze Button for Dummies, Walking and Chewing Gum at the Same Time for Dummies just to name a few.)  So to help you the reader (and potential writer), I would like to present...  How to Write Dummy Books for Dummies.

Getting Started

So you're all set to write a book for dummies, and you've got your word processor ready.  Now what do you do?  Well, you have to write the book. That's right.  Books don't just write themselves.  You have to do the writing yourself.  (Unless of course, you're famous or at the very least involved somehow in the O.J. Simpson trial, in which case you can get a ghostwriter to write the book for you.)

First of all, pretend your audience has all the intelligence of Pamela Anderson (and/or) Lee.  (Settle down. I said the intelligence.)  Always think of your readers as nice but stupid.  Then, start writing.  Remember to explain everything about your subject that you possibly can.  And then explain it again.

How to Come Up with a Subject

It's easy to come up with a subject.  Just try to think of something that you know how to do, or kinda know how to do, or once tried to do.  And if you don't know how to do anything at all, just take something you know nothing about, and make everything up.  Hell, your readers are dummies. They won't know the difference.

Stuff Everyone Assumes You Already Know

Words -- These are the things that make up sentence.  Think of them as ingredients in a meal.  Use good words, and you'll create a delicious meal worthy of the best restaurants.  Use lousy words, and everything will just suck.

Special Tip!  Still confused about words?  Well, this sentence contains words.  See?

Sentence -- A whole bunch of words put together followed by a cute little dot that most writer geeks call a period.  Don't get all confused by technical terms like this.  Let the writer geeks call it a period.  We'll just call it a cute little dot.

Special Tip!  When you put together a bunch of sentences, you should skip a line and start a new paragraph.

Like so.  And don't get all worried about how many sentences should make up a paragraph.  Just pick a random number, and you should be all set.

Book -- A whole lot of sentences put together.  Sometimes, it can be like really long, ya know?

The Whole Actual Writing Thing

The writing should be easy, and if you're ever uncertain about what you wrote, just ask yourself, "Hmmn.  Would Pamela understand this?"  If the answer is no, then make it simpler.

* Remember it's important to use lots of bullets.

Here are some other tips:

1. Always write clearly.
2. Always repeat your most important points.
3. In order to make your reader feel better, try to make fun of smart people. Remember smart people suck.
4. Make up lots of lists. Lists rule!
5. Always repeat your most important points.

* Did I mention the part about using lots of bullets? Okay. Just making sure.

Four Tips to Help You Make a Good List

1. Use numbers.
2. Try to put the tasks in the order you want the reader to do the tasks. For example, for a list in Dressing All by Yourself for Dummies, putting your pants on would come before putting your shoes on.
3. Try not to have any useless entries just so you can get up to some arbitrary number of entries.
4. Oh, I said four tips, didn't I?  Damn.  I meant three.

What to Do Once You've Written the Book

Just send it off to a publisher and wait for the paycheck to come in. Trust me.  The dummies will flock to your book.  Well, some might first have to purchase Finding the Book Store for Dummies or Learning to Read For Dummies, but once they find the bookstore, you're bound to make oodles of money.  And then you can quit your job and retire.  Sound cool?  I thought so.

Coming Soon:  The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dummies.