NOVENBER 28, 1995 - Moved in at last. Finally, we live in the smartest house in the neighborhood. Everything's networked. The cable TV is connected to our phone, whitch is connected to my PC, whitch is connected to the power lines, all the appliances and security system. Everything runs off a universal remote with the freindliest interface I've ever used. Programming is a snap. I'm like totally wired.

NOVEMBER 30 - Hot stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the thermostat and switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely tweaked the oven a few degrees for my pizza. Everythings nice and cozy when I arrived. Maybe I should have the universal remote surgically attached.

DECEMBER 3 - Yesterday, the kitchen crashed. Freak event. As I opened the refridgerator door, the light blew. Immediately, everything else electrical shut down - lights, microwave, coffee maker - everything! Carefully, I unplugged and plaugged all the appliances back in. Nothing called the cable company (but not from the kitchen phone). The utility insists the problem was in the software. So the software company runs some remote telediagnostics via my house processor. Their expert system claims it has to be the utility's fault. I dont care. I just want my kitchen back. More remote diagnostics. Turns out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode". The network had never seen a refridgerator bulb failure while the door was open. So the fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power surge and shut down the entire kitchen. But because sensor memory confirmed that there hadn't actually been a power surge, the kitchen's logic sequence was confused so it couldn't do a standard restart. The utility guy swears this had never happened. Rebooting the kitchen took over an hour.

DECEMBER 7 - The police are not happy. Our house keeps calling them for help. We discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25 desibels, it creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified when they hit the window. When these vibrations mix with with a gust of wind, the security sensors are activated and the police computer concludes that someone is trying to break in. Go figure... Another glitch: whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode, the universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV. That means I actually have to get up off the couch and change the TV channels by hand. The software and the utility people say this flaw will be fixed in the upgrade - Smarthouse 2.1 but it's not ready yet.

DECEMBER 12 - This is a nightmare! Theres a virus in the house. My PC caught it while browsing the public access network. I come home and the living room is a sauna, the bedroom windows are covered with ice, and the reffridgerator has defrosted. The washing machine has flooded the basement, the garage door is cycling up and down, and the TV is stuck on the Home Shopping Channel. Throughout the house, lights flicker like strobescopes until they explode from the strain. Broken glass is everywhere. Of course the security sensors detect nothing. I look at the message slowly throbbing on my PC screen: "Welcome to Homewrecker!!! Now the fun begins. Be at ever so humble, Theres no virus like Homewrecker..." I get out of the house, FAST!

DECEMBER 18 - They think Iv'e digtally disinfected the house but the place is in shambles. Pipes have bursts and we're not completely sure we've got that part of the virus that attacks toilets. Nevertheless, The Exorcists - as the anti-virus SWAT members like to call themselves - are confident the worst is over. "Homewrecker is pretty bad," one tells me, "but consider yourself lucky you didn't get Poltergiest. That one is really evil".

DECEMBER 19 - apparently, our house isn't insured for viruses, "Fires and mud slides yes," says the claims adjuster, "Viruses, no". My agreement with the Smarthouse poeple explicitly states that all claims warranties are null, and void if any appliances or computer in my house networks in any way, shape, or form with a non-certified on-line services. Everybody's very sorry but they can't be axpected to anticipate every virus that may be created. We call our lawyer. He laughs. He's excited.

DECEMBER 21 - I get a call from a Smarthouse sales rep. As a special holiday offer, we get the free oppertunity to become a beta site for the company's new Smarthouse 2.1 upgrade. He say's I'll be able to meet the programmers personally. "SURE!!!" I tell him.....