REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- Software giant Microsoft Corporation today announced plans to acquire the sovereign state of Switzerland. According to industry sources, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates' offhanded comment at a recent board meeting, that he "sure is tired of getting this damn watch fixed," ultimately lead to today's decision.

Preliminary agreements have been reached to retain Swiss President Jacque Mutard, upon his relocation to Microsoft's Redmond, Washington location. "President Mutard's skills will be most welcome, provided, of course, that he has some experience with the Visual Basic and Javascript programming languages," said Microsoft spokesman Tim Young.

News of the acquisition has been greeted with mixed reactions by citizens of the historically irrelevant European nation. Goat farmer Alain Jerach commented, "Does this mean I can finally get the right device driver, so my computer will stop printing everything in that weird-ass Wingding character set?" Swiss Army Lieutenant Michel Lemeaux strongly dissented, claiming Microsoft's actions represent "the end of 400 years of Swiss independence," adding "200 of which have been spent on hold with Microsoft technical support."

(C) 1998, Marshall Camp. All Rights Reserved.
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